Tonight I sit here pondering what love really is. It is late and I have work tomorrow; however, I can not sleep. What got me into this state of emotional turmoil? Surprisingly, it was a movie. I am not often moved by movies. That is why my tears at the end of this one caught me completely off-guard. The movie is The Notebook.
This movie shows the turbulence of love. Its premise is a cliché. Rich girl falls in love with a poor boy and they are not allowed to be with each other. What sets this story apart is the way in which it is told. I was astounded by how I could feel the joy and the pain of the characters as they explored love.
Young Noah in his first letter to Young Allie:
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever.
We use the word love too liberally. I suppose that is why we have the phrase true love. What is love then if it is not true love? Is there such a thing as a half-love? I do not think so. One of the reasons why we separate the two terms is to protect our own fragile emotional selves. If the relationship with the love of your life has gone sour you can just say that it was not true love. Each of us becomes ever more adept at the art of self-deception over time.
Love and time do not go hand-in-hand. Thus, two people in love are really in love. This love then is true, at least at that precise moment. Looking back on it one could argue that it was not; however, it was at that one moment in time.
How can we separate love and lust? Lust is something physical. It is a strong sexual desire for another. Love, on the other hand, supersedes lust. The physical is only but one facet of love. I do not think that there is any way to separate love and lust. There is either just lust, or love which contains a certain element of lust.
I admit that this definition of love is rather narrow. Maybe true love is what I am speaking of. Other types of love would then fall under the general umbrella of love. This includes love for your family and friends.
Love is a fuzzy concept. It makes you feel all warm and tingly. Your perception of the world changes. When you are with the object of your affection, everything is right with the world. This is what I am told.
On the other hand there is the dark side of love. This side is the one that I unfortunately have had more experience with. It may just be bad luck, or I may somehow unconsciously set myself up for it. What is the dark side of love? Love unreturned. When I have fallen in love in the past my senses were dulled, blinding me to the way the world really was. I have never had love returned.
The feeling is unimaginably sharp. It is like an emotional hailstorm beating down upon you from the inside out. This feeling is one that I would never wish upon anyone. There are many reasons why this has happened to me. One of the reasons is that I was younger, less mature, and saw things where they really were not. A second reason is that the girls that I fell for were not mature themselves. A third reason is that I felt so utterly alone in college that I needed to believe that I was loved by someone up there, even if I was deceiving myself.
There is a side effect of having gone through this experience more than once. I blind myself to love. I find myself being a pessimist that feels that true love will pass me by. Men have to go out and find love. I have not been doing that. Sadly, I can not seem to force myself to get out there and meet women. Clubs make me feel awkward. Bars just do not feel right.
Is there someone out there who reciprocates and will not play me for a fool? Am I mature enough now to not be too blinded by love? I simply do not know. These questions are keeping me up. I usually go about my life happily being single. Sometimes I feel that I am missing something. When I get this feeling it is strong. This is the type of feeling that can not be ignored. It is as if I have had 30 cafecitos and am trying my hardest not to feel the caffeine buzz. I am deeply troubled by this feeling as I know what it is trying to tell me, but I no longer follow my heart.
It’s a very good question; one which I’ve pondered a great deal myself. In my own experience there is no true answer, or at least no answer which proves true for every person or every love. Love simply is, and that’s all that really matters, I guess.
You do make an incredibly valid point here. The word love is used far too often by far too many people who don’t really know (or care to know) what it means. The same applies to words like friend, and friendship. Then again, scholars, poets, philosophers and scientists have spent the majority of human history trying to understand love and have usually just ended up confusing themselves and others. The only natural conclusion I’ve been able to draw from this is that love, and all that it entails, is unique to each individual instance of its existence.
I’ve been toying with the idea of covering this subject myself since I started my own blog last month, and I may still do that. It’s a big subject and I could fill whole libraries with my random cogitations at times. It helps that for the last eight months I’ve been working on-and-off on a novel with a friend that explores the question. Even after eight months of research, reading, talking and observing, we’re still no closer to truly understanding this most insistent of emotions. No wonder it’s a four-letter word.
Love finds everybody at some point. We all feel its bite, caress and succour, and usually when we least expect it. If you go chasing after it hen most of the time it eludes you. Then, just as you’re ready to give up, along comes Love to slap you around the face with a wet kipper. With that in mind take heart. There will be somebody out there who will reciprocate your feelings and return the love that you’re willing to give to them. And when that happens, when you truly discover what it is to be in love and to be loved at the same time, I guarantee that you’ll still be no nearer to understanding it. Frustrating, ain’t it?
Be well.
MJE
Thanks for your encouragement. It is frustrating, but I know you’re right. These things just take time and a certain element of randomness.