One can become stronger in difficult situations
I recently came to the realization that there are two ways to deal with difficult situations. One of these ways is very weak; the other allows you to come out of any situation for the better.
Most people when faced with difficulty feel victimized. They feel that others have been causing them pain and suffering, and that it is these others who are hurtful and unjust. While it may very well be the case that others are being unjust, or hurtful, there are constructive ways to deal with any situation.
To become stronger when faced with difficulty is not a simple matter. It takes someone who is able to step away from their defensive feelings for a moment to examine the essence of the conflict, why it is causing so much suffering, and then determine whether the situation is one that is under their control.
If a situation is not under your control, then constantly fretting about it will do nothing to remedy it. In life, a significantly large proportion of situations are not under our control. We can only control our reactions and how we go about understanding others and ourselves. To see clearly we must put aside our instinctive defensive thoughts and lies.
In trying to see the truth of a situation, we are then able to be honest and direct with others and ourselves. The hallmark of a weak person is to constantly hide their true thoughts in order to try to play a game with the situation. These games rarely, if ever, work. The truth will always come out somehow; no matter how hard one tries to obfuscate it.
Our own defensive feelings are very skilled at masking the truth. I have known people who feel that the world is ganging up against them. The problem was not the world; it was the person. Sometimes it is helpful to examine the feasibility of the exact opposite of your thoughts. This way you have at least considered more than your initial gut reaction.
My life has been one largely free of major pain and suffering. Recently there have been family situations that have been extremely uncomfortable. I have chosen to use these situations to become a stronger, better person.
Looking beyond my feelings for a moment, I was able to see the truth of the situation. My thoughts turned away from why things turned out as they did. The situation already existed, and there was little point in analyzing why. I began to think about where to go from that point. The answer came to me easily, and I acted upon it. My answer is not one that ends the conflict, but one that allows me to feel as if I have done right for myself. The answer has made me stronger. The conflict continues outside of me, but I am now at peace with myself.
September 2nd, 2005 at 10:23 pm
Most feelings of insecurity are caused by unhelpful thought processes. Most of these thoughts have the words “must”, “should” or “Can not stand” within them. As we grow we develope a social schema and set of pesonal morals for right or wrong. Those who often feel the world against them tend to hold a rigid and unquestioned view of how things “should” or “must” be.
Also how many times have you heard the phrase “x makes me y”. Now unless X is a master hypnotist X cannot make you do something. Anger or outrage is caused because something has challenged your personal values which you have taught yourself over many years are the right thoughts so you feel hurt and express it as anger. In essence the situation is not as you think it “should” be so you make yourself annoyed or angry.
For example I note Morph3ous likes classical music. So Morph3ous settles down for an afternoon chilling to Mozarts Flautenconcerto. Just outside his window kids start playing in the park, (of course I have no idea whether this is possible it is merely a fictitous example.) Now the noise is irritating so Morph3ous finds he is feeling annoyed and starts to think about telling them to get lost. He does this because he firmly believes he has a right to peace and quiet. Morph3ous however is a thinker so instead of deciding to do this he examines that “right”
After a bit of thought he comes to a few conclusions. Yes he has a right to peace and quiet! The kids however have a right to play in the park, Its daytime and thats what parks are for. Then he examines whether he can stand it. Well it isn’t going to kill him and directly it does him no harm. So Morph3ous sits down and drags out his earphones and plugs them in, shrugs and continues to listen to Mozart without wigging out over something he really doesn’t have a whole lot of control over!
Once you learn the trick of saying to yourself “I feel annoyed because I am uncomfortable with your actions which I feel are inconsiderate of my feelings!” and then expressing that to the perceived offender instead of “Playing the drums at 3 o’clock in the am makes me angry so I’m going to turn my stereo up and annoy you when you want to rest” the better you will be.
Just remember though now matter how much more reasoned you start thinking don’t expect everyone else to be the same. It’s a harder way to act but ultimately everything worth doing is hard to do!
September 4th, 2005 at 11:47 pm
Tybalt, how right you are. It is hard to reason things through before acting upon them, but it is definitely worth doing. The one thing that we can control in all situations is our own behavior. If we can control our own reactions to different situations by stepping back and being more in the moment, then I feel that our reactions will better express who we really are inside. Gut reactions usually come out of feeling threatened and needing to protect oneself, and oftentimes do not reflect who we really are.
Thanks for your contribution to this blog.