Today I had a philosophical discussion with a different friend. He quite convincingly argued that there are a lot of cases in which one should not apologize. That it is important sometimes to be selfish and have your own interests at heart. That the human animal is inately both good and evil making a constant struggle to be a good person a waste of time.
I have always tried to be a “good” person. When I realized that I may have wronged another, I apologized. I would take these occurrences and use them to teach me lessons of how not to act in the future. Unfortunately this has made me extremely cautious all the time for fear of hurting someone.
In social situations I am almost always thinking about how not to hurt those around me, that I do not really have fun. This of course is absurdly stupid. Others take care of themselves. They also do not excercise this same concern for me.
My friend also spoke of humility. He argued that being humble is a waste of time and that it gets you nowhere. I’m living proof of the truth of those words. Every day I am humble to those around me, and yet I rarely get anything in return. In friendships there is little reciprocation. Relationships? Haven’t had any in I have no idea how long.
Things need to change now. I have a new vision. The struggles about being a good person will be banished. They’re a losing battle anyways. My humility will be relegated to the depths of hell. It is more a side-effect of low self-esteem than a charming character trait. My selflessness that comes out every once in a while will be replaced with selfishness. I will consider what I want, and not what others want. I will do things for me, and not for others. Most importantly, I will treat myself as I used to treat others.
I’m my only true friend. It just took me way too long to realize that. Getting hurt so many times and then turning the other cheek to be hurt again was stupid and naïve.
“I’m my only true friend. It just took me way too long to realize that. Getting hurt so many times and then turning the other cheek to be hurt again was stupid and naïve.”
I don’t think you should necessarily say things like that… not when you have people that really care for you. That, and you have a family that really loves you (with the exception of the parties involved in your drama).
I think there are really people out there that have hit a true rock bottom that could make those kinds of statements, but you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re one of them.
– Elias
Thanks for the comment. I think that you may have misunderstood that part of the post. It was not very clear, so I’ll restate it. I did not mean to say that I do not have any really good friends, or that I am alone in the world. What I meant to say was that there is only one person in this world that you can depend upon 100%. Yourself.
That again does not mean that there aren’t people who will come through for you 95% of the time. It just means that one needs to watch out for oneself.
I have not hit rock bottom, nor am I depressed. That’s why I am glad that you commented on this post. If you got the message that I was saying that I am alone in the world, then others likely will get that message as well. That means that I wrote that part wrong.
It just seems that in life you need to be selfish, and think about how everything benefits you. I used to have times where I would think about it in reverse. What can I do to help? What can I do to make this person happy, or help that person to be successful? While I was like that, I would concentrate too much on others, and not on myself. I would not be tending to my happiness, and my success.
As bad as this may sound, I’m simply saying that I came to the realization that I need to think more about myself. I need to be a little more full of myself. That’s what this whole thing comes down to.