This whole prolonged family drama has had its positives and negatives. For me it has spurred me to go out into the world and forge new friendships, to experiment, and to have fun. It has also made me more jumpy and susceptible to strange bouts of low self-esteem and the feeling that I have to appologize for everything.
Right now I just got out of one of those strange bad moods. I had tried to make plans and they did not work out. I let my self-esteem drop ever further, and was not very nice to those involved in the plans. I apologized, and my apology was accepted. The big problem was that I felt compelled to apologize once again. I do not know why, but I guess I felt that I owed it to my friend.
What I realize now is that by apologizing once again I am in essence saying that I did not really apologize the first time, or was I trying to push some sort of hidden agenda. I really don’t know. Luckily I know that this will not have a lasting ill effect as I have been this way before with my friend and the friendship has survived.
The thing is that although she is very understanding, I hate to be this way. It makes me feel guilty. I care about her and always wish her the best. I never want to be mean to her. I may not have been mean to her, but I feel that I may have. How so? By not trusting her and second-guessing her. She has always proven to be trustworthy, but when I got into my mood I did not trust anymore. I was even a bit accusatory. That is why I apologized.
I am bothered that I get into these moods. Is it related to the whole family drama? Strangely enough, the whole family drama is what helped forge our friendship. She has had to deal with family issues as well. I just want to make sure that I am a good person for as much of my life as I can be.
I felt wronged by her, when I look back on it, she really didn’t wrong me. It was a case of plans getting messed up. My conclusion was that because of a certain occurrence, she did not wish to associate with me. Where did I come off coming up with this crap? Why when she has been a good friend for a while did I latch on to some insignificant detail and run with it.
There is a secret I have that only one person in the entire world knows, and it is her. If I know that I can trust her with this, then why couldn’t I get over some stupid plans and be normal. She’s already seen my insecure side, but I really would have prefered not to have shown it again for both of our sakes. Oh well. C ‘est la Vie. (I don’t know French, so someone correct that) Isso é a vida. (Maybe the same thing in Portuguese. I’ve really wanted to learn the language, but feel unable to do so.)