There are many different levels of friendship. You can have a best friend, some very good friends, some ‘normal’ friends. Then there are the people that some keep around as acquaintances. These are people from work that you only talk to at work. You would not normally try to make plans with an acquaintance, nor would you give their feelings much consideration. The question that I pose is:
How can we distinguish friends from acquaintances?
Since there are so many levels of friendship, most relationships that you have with others are really friendships. A friendship does not mean that the other person will bend over backwards for you. It does not mean that they will always agree with you. It also most certainly does not mean that they will always be aware of your feelings. How could they be? Most people I know would fit into the friends category. That includes the girl mentioned in some previous posts.
The distinguishing characteristics of a relationship that indicate whether someone is a friend or an acquaintance come out over time. This can make it really frustrating when you discover that one you thought of as a friend is really not.
What characteristics point to someone being an acquaintance and not a friend?
If someone tends to avoid you when you are trying to make out of work plans, that is a pretty surefire bet. The avoidance can be very subtle making it difficult to detect.
Sometimes acquaintances will lie rather than simply express their disinterest in pursuing any out of work activities. Everyone lies sometimes, but consistently lying is a big clue. These lies are excuses, and allow the acquaintance to avoid saying “I’m not in the mood to go do something with you.”
The case that someone is an acquaintance is made even stronger if you express how important certain plans are, and they exhibit the same behavior.
Can people bounce back and forth between being friends and acquaintances?
Yes, this can happen. Situations are not always the same. Life constantly changes. People change, and you yourself change.
The worst acquaintance is one who you think is a friend.
I don’t know about others, but I invest a lot in friendships. This emotional investment is what allows me to feel let down, and become upset at others. I do not feel that it is realistic to go through life without an emotional investment in friends. When this investment is wasted on an acquaintance, it is disappointing.
Why am I questioning my judgement? There is a girl at work who I thought was a friend. It turns out that I just wanted to see things that way. Plans with her would never work out, she would either not return calls or text messages, say that she was free to do something when she was not, or lie about being busy.
On my birthday, I was trying to make plans with her. She said that she had to study even though there was no school the following day. She eventually said that when she was finished studying she would send me a text message. She did. I responded and did not hear a word back.
I wrote her an email letting her know that I felt it very rude that she left me hanging on my birthday. She must have gotten that email because the next night she sent me an appologetic text message. Her cellphone had aparently run out of batteries as she was typing a response and she was not at home to charge it. That may have been true. She asked how my night was. I told her the truth. My night was ok, but I ended up staying home. I asked her what she did. She said she studied all night.
There are a couple things that upset me about ths scenario. The first is that an actual friend would call you back when possible and appologize without being nudged by an email. The second is that she was not studying all night. She was at a soccer game. Why lie about that? A true friend would be respectful and at the way beginning let me know that she had plans already. She would not have to go into specifics, but if she did, then a true friend would not lie about those specifics.
It is sad to see someone who I perceived as a friend turn out to really be an acquaintance. My frustration comes at not admitting that I saw these signs way in advance. I should have acted upon this hunch a long time ago and realized that she is not really a friend.
The best thing about growing up is that I become less näive by the day.
I have one best friend (obviously), and I know that he is truly a friend. That is the only friendship that I do not question.